Sometimes I Still Feel 14: An Introspective Retrospective With Regards to the Future

No matter how hard I try to be a better me, there will always be that echo of my baseline insecurity that I will have to routinely remind myself no longer applies. Every time something happens that triggers that anxiety I have to work all the way out from the person I was when I was 14, or 6, or whenever that particular neuroses started, and I don’t always make it all the way through. I think everyone has a little bit of that, though – a reflexive jump back to that overly defensive middle schooler who experienced the hurt for the first time. The differences lie in how quick and successful one is at remembering that you are a grown up now, darn it, and what that jerk thinks doesn’t matter.

I, for one, have a problem with assuming that every insecurity I have is well known to the world. I don’t know why, but I always assume that everyone knows everything about me. Probably comes from the fact that I always think whatever I’m thinking is written across my forehead, and forget that I have bangs. But seriously, I’m told I have the best poker face ever and it’s impossible to tell what I’m thinking and I can’t keep that in mind. So I get defensive over things that there is no need to be defensive over because no one KNOWS about them. Which you’d think would be great news, but I suck at life so I just turn it into another thing to be insecure over. Because seriously, I’m pretty sure I’m still 14 under the boobs and the college education.

This next chunk of years is exciting and important and it sure as heck better be because this whole college thing was a pile of crap but I think I’ve got this down now and I’m finally sufficiently prepared to tackle a transition (none of it having come from college, let’s keep that clear).

I am hitting a big transition pretty soon. In a year, if all goes to plan, I should be graduating from university. Some of my friends are already going through this. I’m excited about it, personally. The title of this chapter shall be I’m Getting Out, For Real This Time Guys. Because if I’m still stuck in this mire after I graduate there will really be no point in going on. A point of clarification – I don’t hate the physical place where I live. I hate that every person that was present for every previous part of my life lives within 30 miles of me. How is a person supposed to get a fresh start in life knowing that everyone she sees on a daily basis knew her when she was 15 and remembers her 4th grade year, or at the very least has access to someone who does? As loving and well-meaning as they may be, that leaves no room for growth. None. May have something to do with why I still feel like a 14-year-old sometimes – because almost NOTHING about the external factors in my life has changed since then. Small town blues, man. In a +100k town. …My life is weird. I guess it’s not the size of the town, though, it’s the size of your world. Which ostensibly makes it possible that all this is my fault. I’ve no doubt a sizable portion of it is. But you’ve gotta give me at least 1-2% socio-environmental factors. Because those are incredibly important where I come from (The South. No, trust me, it’s capitalized The South.) Man, I never thought any of those stereotypes applied to me, but it’s all coming out into the open now, innit?

I think at this point even having my dreams crushed and all my preconceptions invalidated in the harshest manner possible would be relatively pleasant in that at least it’d be a change.

Maybe Greece was just enough of a kick in the butt by planting the idea in my head that maybe life doesn’t have to be an unbearable monotony of dull throbbing pain. Maybe that’s why all these issues are coming out now. If it’s true I hope I can hold onto this feeling always and use it as incentive to better my position.

Advertisements

The Last One

Hi there! One last post, just for closure. I’m back from Greece and have been for a couple of days now. I think. I’ve been sleeping a lot. Anyway, the trip was over and it will definitely be one of the most treasured experiences of my college career. I hope to keep the friends I made on it forever. Pictures are up on Facebook now. Hope you enjoy them!

Thanks for keeping up with me through this one of a kind experience. It’s been a blessing.

Last Day in Litochoro

Today we went to the tomb of King Philip II of Macedonia. My teacher’s teacher actually discovered it! I geeked out about that for a good bit. It was neat, except for that super mean guard lady that kept chasing everyone around and being very rude. The stuff in it was crazy. There was this one carved bit of ivory that was unbelievably delicately carved. The video at the end was creepy though.

For lunch we went to a special fish place and had fish. I sat with the professor’s kids somehow. They are something else.

Our naptime today was super short, but I still got about an hour in. Then I even got some homework done before the birthday party! That’s right, another birthday in Greece. Miss Halla had her birthday today, so we had even more chocolate cake. That was my dinner, plus some coffee ice cream. Finally reverting to my stateside eating habits.

Now…to finish the Las homework I’ll ever have in Greece. Besides that paper. Uh…

Dion and Cake

Today we went to Dion, the marshy ruins of an ancient town dedicated to Zeus.

This site was another favorite. It was weirdly homey while simultaneously alien with it ancient Roman ruins. Swamp is not a hard thing to come by on Alabama, but Greece gives even this its own unique flair. The site was gorgeous and shady, and there were tons of dragon flies. We even saw a heron! And they have have friggin HUGE dandelions. They were bigger than my fist! The walk was pleasant – although an interesting quandary. See, i like to watch where i put my feet, since I’m extremely clumsy. But on those graty stairs it’s definitely better that i not stair straight through them at the ground making me dizzy. So that was fun to try to balance out. But anyway. Great day,beautiful site. I was bouncing down the ancient roads like a five year old. I was so happy.

Later we went to the beach. Beaches bore me. But I too a nice walk,hung out with the bus driver, and took a sweaty nap. Of all the ways to spend an afternoon, it was one of them.

Today was Tatiana’s birthday! We had q good old fashioned pizza party with amazing cake. I got to sit at the table with her and have a good long conversation. The boys all sat with us, so it was…lively let’s say. A great time with some of my favorite people. And q free meal. And chocolate! Whee!

Happy birthday Dr. Summers, and happy birthday miss Haley Elizabeth O’Dell Harrison!

Climbing Mount Olympus

It’s hard, y’all. Mountains are intense.

I went for it, though. I climbed for an hour and a half before I gave up. And I still climbed a mountain. Just not, you know , all of it. It was beautiful and shady and relatively cool. I got some killer pictures, including one of Hanna on Pride Rock.

Everyone else is still climbing. They should get back around 4, and when they get their naps out we’re going to see another Venetian castle. If anyone is still up for it. I know Annie and I are in, at least.

Update on castle adventures forthcoming.

Delphi

Delphi is small, but we’ve been making our own fun.

The first thing we did was travel. For several hours. I tried to sleep on the bus but I got too excited about looking at the mountains.

Our plans were changed around a bunch of times so I still am not sure what we did today. When we got to the hotel a bunch of us found some Greek board games and tried to play. At first I was just mashing buttons on an electronic thing that kept yelling RHO at me because it was apparently an alphabet game. Then Harry, Tatiana’s son, joined us and together we made up some rules to a trivia game we found. Except only harry could read the questions so I had to try to read his questions to him in Greek. That apparently wasn’t good enough for him, so soon we had all the kids playing and arguing over what words meant. The question were really random too – sometimes they were hard and scientific and once I got asked what color polar bears were. We were all yelling and getting really into it even though it was Greek naptime.

The second exciting thing that happened today was that our bus driver ate dinner with us. He has huge bushy eyebrows and a fantastic accent. He was very nice and very entertaining. He saved me from some blinds that attacked my head.

Later there is talk of a disco. We shall see.

Greek dancing

Today we saw the Olympic site and tonight we learned to Greek dance.

Olympia was good but hot. I left my notebook at the hotel but I think o did okay anyway. Some of the students raced on the ancient 200 meter track. I don’t envy them. The museum was actually one of the best sites so far as far as assignments go.

Tonight we went to a restaurant down the road and professional Greek dancers taught us traditional dances. Obviously, I was terrible but I managed not to get injured or injure anyone. Annie kept making fun of me though. And the teacher had to pull me out twice to show me how to do things right. Everyone got very into it. The boys dancing was hilarious.

Now I’m sweaty and exhausted but extremely amused, so goodnight.