No matter how hard I try to be a better me, there will always be that echo of my baseline insecurity that I will have to routinely remind myself no longer applies. Every time something happens that triggers that anxiety I have to work all the way out from the person I was when I was 14, or 6, or whenever that particular neuroses started, and I don’t always make it all the way through. I think everyone has a little bit of that, though – a reflexive jump back to that overly defensive middle schooler who experienced the hurt for the first time. The differences lie in how quick and successful one is at remembering that you are a grown up now, darn it, and what that jerk thinks doesn’t matter.
I, for one, have a problem with assuming that every insecurity I have is well known to the world. I don’t know why, but I always assume that everyone knows everything about me. Probably comes from the fact that I always think whatever I’m thinking is written across my forehead, and forget that I have bangs. But seriously, I’m told I have the best poker face ever and it’s impossible to tell what I’m thinking and I can’t keep that in mind. So I get defensive over things that there is no need to be defensive over because no one KNOWS about them. Which you’d think would be great news, but I suck at life so I just turn it into another thing to be insecure over. Because seriously, I’m pretty sure I’m still 14 under the boobs and the college education.
This next chunk of years is exciting and important and it sure as heck better be because this whole college thing was a pile of crap but I think I’ve got this down now and I’m finally sufficiently prepared to tackle a transition (none of it having come from college, let’s keep that clear).
I am hitting a big transition pretty soon. In a year, if all goes to plan, I should be graduating from university. Some of my friends are already going through this. I’m excited about it, personally. The title of this chapter shall be I’m Getting Out, For Real This Time Guys. Because if I’m still stuck in this mire after I graduate there will really be no point in going on. A point of clarification – I don’t hate the physical place where I live. I hate that every person that was present for every previous part of my life lives within 30 miles of me. How is a person supposed to get a fresh start in life knowing that everyone she sees on a daily basis knew her when she was 15 and remembers her 4th grade year, or at the very least has access to someone who does? As loving and well-meaning as they may be, that leaves no room for growth. None. May have something to do with why I still feel like a 14-year-old sometimes – because almost NOTHING about the external factors in my life has changed since then. Small town blues, man. In a +100k town. …My life is weird. I guess it’s not the size of the town, though, it’s the size of your world. Which ostensibly makes it possible that all this is my fault. I’ve no doubt a sizable portion of it is. But you’ve gotta give me at least 1-2% socio-environmental factors. Because those are incredibly important where I come from (The South. No, trust me, it’s capitalized The South.) Man, I never thought any of those stereotypes applied to me, but it’s all coming out into the open now, innit?
I think at this point even having my dreams crushed and all my preconceptions invalidated in the harshest manner possible would be relatively pleasant in that at least it’d be a change.
Maybe Greece was just enough of a kick in the butt by planting the idea in my head that maybe life doesn’t have to be an unbearable monotony of dull throbbing pain. Maybe that’s why all these issues are coming out now. If it’s true I hope I can hold onto this feeling always and use it as incentive to better my position.